venus unbound

sex & the city

2006-10-30T22:15:00.000+08:00

lately, i've been having too much of carrie bradshaw and mr big and the entire manhattan scene straight off my pc. yes, i've been doing a marathon of my all-time favorite series since the day i arrived home. and i've finished an unimaginably gross amount of chocolate cake in the process (not really part of the plan, but hey, i'm starved!).

surprisingly though, so much of the content of sex & the city is something i can relate to. take for example:

1.) compartmentalized lives

yes, i owe up to it now. i do tend to compartmentalize my life. i have a compartment for family, another for law school and friends, another for my crazy dumaguete life (or what once was), another for my past, and another for my dirty nasty secrets. not one person in this wide universe knows about all of these, except myself.

perhaps because i am a different person in these different compartments...

perhaps because i am too scared to allow people to judge me for who i'm not when i'm with them...

perhaps because i am just not brave enough to let my past decide my present and my future...

i'm sorry for not letting you in on everything that i really am.

2.) cheating

i have been cheated on. and depending on your definition of cheating, i MIGHT have done my own share of cheating (which, by my definition of cheating, just does not make the cut. SORRY). but the worst part of all these, is that i have been a third party to cheating (call it the principal by indispensable cooperation, or simply, the other woman), without as much a guilty bone in my body.

i can see you shaking you're head right now. i know. i do realize it is wrong. and i'm sorry for that. but i just can't get myself to feel guilty at all. knowing i'm wrong and feeling guilty about it are two different things.

3.) the intimidating woman

i'm not! just because i have this impeccable scholastic record, am a 3rd year law student at the best law school in the country, and will probably be kick-ass successful in my career (oh plus the fact that i can generally outdrink more than less of the men i know) should not intimidate any self-respecting man. or should it?

erase all that and "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" and all that crap.

i may be mildly mean, and sometimes cold, but once you really get to know me, you'd discover that i CAN be really sweet and thoughtful and maternal and yes, prone to tears when weak.

4.) validation

egos, especially naturally big ones, are easily bruised. i'm not saying that i have a big ego, but that i constantly need validation.

for one, this blog is a form of validation on my part.

my coming home is always a form of validation.

come to think of it, being in law school is also a validation.

everything i do, in one aspect or another, is a means for me to validate myself.

you must think i am a very insecure person... well, i don't know...

5.) faking it

people (not necessarily women) fake it (not necessarily in bed) for a variety of reasons.

i'm a faker when i need to be. i fake may things--emotions, stories, even school papers--out of necessity. most of the time, it's just to avoid needless trouble and hurt feelings. a white lie is what i call it. as they say, what momma don't know won't hurt her.

truth be told, my honesty might kill you... or me...

6.) love and friendship

i love my friends. to a fault at times...

'nuff said. if you're my friend, you'll know what i mean.

7.) change

it is difficult, if not impossible, to change someone. acceptance is part of loving.

but changing oneself for the better is the ultimate sacrifice. enough of the compartmentalized life, of the cheating, of the ego, of the lies. this i will attempt to do.

for myself...

for my family...

for my friends...

for everyone i care about...

for you...

Rebirth

2006-10-28T19:45:00.000+08:00

I’m home, staring at the monitor screen, with so many things on my mind I want to write about, but not knowing where to begin.
Let me share with you the things that happened to me since the last time I posted. But before I do that, I will have to unclutter my head tonight by getting lost through the streets of Dumaguete and finding myself again...

it's about time

2006-07-21T11:04:00.000+08:00

FINALLY!!! i got drunk in manila. first time since i got here a month ago. yey!!!

playing life by the rules of poker

2006-06-26T12:51:00.000+08:00

we wear our masks to hide who we really are and how we really feel. at times, we shed off our masks only to reveal yet another mask underneath. possibly, even the person behind the mask does not realize the extent of the layers of masks hiding the honest expression.

while the eyes are said to be the windows to the soul and is that part of us that cannot be masked, yet we tend to condition them to tell lies. by such constant bluffing, the line that separates the truth from the alternate realities we create becomes blurred. soon, the liar believes his/her own lies and the eyes would speak as if it were speaking only the truth.

we hide because we are scared. we are scared of being hurt, of rejection, of embarrassment, of ridicule. we are scared of the possibility that who we are may not measure up to who we want to be. but mostly, we are scared of ourselves—because that self, when unleashed and allowed to take control, could very easily destroy the relationships we have painstakingly built over time, the achievements we have worked so hard for, and the dreams we have nurtured and kept in our hearts.

revealing one’s true self might be a liberating experience. the joy of being loved for who you are is its greatest reward. but the stakes are high. are we willing to risk everything we have for that chance of sweet and lasting abandon? do we have that courage to say, “i’m all in?”

this girl behind the mask will, for this round anyway, just have to fold…

you're invited :-)

2006-06-25T21:22:00.000+08:00

new address: ipil residence hall

2006-06-23T11:33:00.000+08:00

the urban legends of dorm life. the promiscuous roommate. the less-than-luxurious toilets and baths. the strict dorm manager. ok, i am trying to convince myself that i will enjoy life at the dorm. except for the six months i spent in a dorm along espania managed by nuns, i have never really been a dormer. well, there's always a first time. NOW!

a few things i like about my new dorm--IPIL:
1.) no curfew -- if you know me enough, you'll know why having a curfew can wreak havoc to my emotional well-being
2.) its 2 blocks away from law school -- i can leave for class five minutes before the time and i'd still come on time; i can go back to my bed and take naps in between classes; i can save my transpo money and use it for other things, i.e. beer (hehehe)
3.) its insultingly cheap -- ok, i'm paying P350 per month... now i'm gloating... :-)
4.) it coed -- testosterone keeps me sane, need i say more?
5.) smoking is legal -- yes, i can smoke inside the dorm and no one will mind.

i hope things go well with the dorm experience. wish me luck!

law school blues

2006-06-19T13:26:00.000+08:00

its the second week of law school. i am in the library with so many things to read. and what do i do? i log on to the internet and read other people's blogs, check my friendster and sillimanians.com accounts, and check my mail. and then i decide that i still have time for a post. yeah right!?!? who am i kidding?

from the computer room of the library, i can see law students and bar reviewees with their heads burried in their books. i refuse to do the same. the procrastinator in me tells me that i still have time to read... maybe later... maybe tomorrow... maybe just before my class... i seem to forget that my nego prof called on me for recitation last meeting, and before i knew it, i was back on my seat with a SINGKO in my recit card. nevermind the fact that i studied for that class. so, i might as well not study..

i am creating this post not because i feel the urge to write. No Sir! i just need something else to do...

now, what else can i do? hmmm... i think i'll take a yosi break... see yah!

unrequited

2006-06-13T19:34:00.000+08:00

if only you look more deeply into my eyes and not just stare at the nothingness of my words, then perhaps you would see that between the many bottles of beer that we drowned and the lonely tales that we shared, i fell for you...

...perhaps you will see that in some cosmic way, the universe conspired to bring you to me...

...perhaps you will see that the emptiness i've felt was meant to be filled by you...

...or perhaps you've already seen all these things, but just don't really care.

babay dumaguete. hello manila

2006-06-08T12:08:00.000+08:00

mularga na ko. sakay eroplano karon alas dos. babay dumaguete. hulata ra ko kay mubalik ko sunod bulan.
magpraktis napud ko ani ug tinagalog.
mge blocmates ko, at iba pang kaibigan sa maynila, magkikita na tayo. miss ko na kayo. mukhang babay red horse, hello san mig light na rin eto. hehehe

waaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!

2006-05-31T19:11:00.000+08:00

june 1 na bukas. ang bilis naman ng panahon. nagiging emosyonal na naman ako. hindi ko alam kung bakit. umiiyak na naman ako dahil sa mga bagay-bagay na wala namang katuturan. bilog ba ang buwan?

ewan ko ba. bigla na naman akong nagiging malungkutin....

falling...

2006-05-31T19:02:00.000+08:00

...for a man i haven't seen f0r more than a month. crap!

writer's block

2006-05-31T17:30:00.000+08:00

it's been awhile since i last posted an entry. for some reason, i just couldn't write anymore. that's typical of me when i grow comfortable with my situation. stability makes me dull.

i'm going back to manila next week. i will have to say goodbye to my no-nonsense life here in the province and face my demons again. now, i feel the urge to write. to express my fears. to let the world know that i am human and that i do feel and bleed and cry.

the stability of my life is threatened once again. the familiarity of what i had grown accustomed to over the past month or so would soon be gone.

as i had promised myself, i would spend my summer trying to take a grasp of who i really am. yet, i soon realized that i wasn't really lost--that i am the same person that i was before i left dumaguete three years ago. that finding myself wasn't so hard 'coz after all, an uncomplicated girl who loves the provincial life is all that i am.

as i prepare for the next step in my life, i hope that i will not again forget who i am and who i want to be. or if i do forget once in awhile, i would still have to be thankful--for then, i would be able to write...

15-minute paradise from home

2006-05-05T09:19:00.000+08:00

last sunday was family day. after lunch, my pop decided to bribe the household help into not taking a day-off so that the house wouldn't be left unattended. and so the five of us--pop, ma, sis, bro, and myself--went to sea forest.
first time ko... the place is fairly new, so i didn't really know what to expect. from my house, it took only 15 minutes to get there (like going to UP from Teachers Village).
the place is by the beach, but most of their guests swim in their pool. plus, there's a jacuzzi and a fountain-cum-water falls area. cool...
of course, i stayed at the fountain area. when i was a kid, i had always wanted to take a dip in the fountain by the public park. there's something about falling or running waters that appease my soul.
so here are some photos of the trip...

the general landscape. relaxing, isn't it?

the 300-peso cottage by the pool. can't complain :)

smoking isn't allowed just about anywhere. there are designated smoking areas, such as this. the pot on the side of the swing is your ashtray.

papa bear, mama bear, and baby bear at the three-person swing.

the beach. hmmm... 'nuff said.

the pool area. sayang, walang hunk. tsk tsk tsk...

my wish has come true. taking a dip in a fountain. cool water...

michael at the pseudo-water falls.

para kanimo

2006-04-27T11:49:00.000+08:00

hulata ko...
muabot ang adlaw nga pwede na tikaw higugmaon.
dili pa karon
kay ginapangita pa nako akong kaugalingon.
muabot ang adlaw nga mailhan na nako akong kaugalingon
masabtan na nako nganong ingon ani ko
ug ikaw ang unang tawo nga ipailaila nako sa tinuod nga ako
dili ko mamakak nimo
kung kinsa ko, ug kung unsa ko
imong mahibaw-an.
unta makahulat ka...
unta makasabot ka..
ug unta, bisaya ka...

relaxing at forrest camp

2006-04-24T12:35:00.000+08:00

it was a saturday. a hot day. the kind that would cause a severe migraine. decided to go to forrest camp. nangaladkad ng kaibigan.

before the drive to valencia, we loaded up on supplies. soda. tuyok manok. liempo. puso. chips.

"you take the wheel. i'm an impatient driver and the heat is driving me mad."

off we were with the music of simon and garfunkel in the background.

i love the drive to valencia. it makes you feel closer to heaven.

being in the passenger seat is fun. you get to enjoy the scenery more.

and you can take photographs on the way.

photos of interesting things you pass by.

photos of your company.

photos of yourself. hahaha.

note to self: when i can afford to buy my own car, i'll make sure the car comes with a driver.

on higher ground. isn't it wonderful? being so close to nature. wala na ang sakit ng ulo ko.

some snapshots of forrest camp. now you understand why i love this place. being one with nature. the sight soothes the tired soul. the air rejuvenates the tired body.
the day was spent lounging about the cottage. eating with bare hands. then strolling around the place. "taking time to smell the flowers." shooting more photos. taking a dip in the river. playing cards. talking. learning how to play poker. losing $100,000,000 in make-believe money. ouch! laughing. fooling around. drinking rhum.
no worries...
after spending the day, i went home happy. my best day in a long time.

wearing my keloid up my sleeve

2006-04-19T13:40:00.000+08:00

keloid n. an excessive growth of scar tissue on the skin – Webster’s

i am a keloid-former. blame it on the genes. for a few years now, i’ve had this unsightly keloid on my right arm the size of a corn. i really don’t know how it came to be. i don’t even remember having a wound on that area. all i know is that it started as something very small which, after excessive scratching, grew into something as big and as hard as it is.

people came to notice it. friends would ask what it was or what caused it. i tried not to be bothered. still, i regularly went to the derma to have my regular injections of some sort-of steroid to make it disappear.

it did not. it was too stubborn for that.

yesterday, i drew up all to resolve to have it removed. i went to my derma again and, after making sure from her that the procedure won’t hurt, finally decided to get rid of it forever. she gave me anesthesia, then cauterized the ugly piece of me.

i was so relieved when I saw the keloid on a small piece of vial. finally, i am free.

or not?

my derma said that the keloid will grow back again. slowly. little by little. so i would have to go back to her every week to have my injections again. until the time when it will not grow back anymore. until the time when it will just be a flat scar.

--------------------------

maybe the genes are just too strong that i also form keloids internally.

you see, my heart has been severely hurt. the kind of pain that crushes your insides so badly. bruised and wounded and bleeding. it did heal, though. eventually…

but it left an ugly keloid in my heart. people began to notice. friends would ask what was wrong. of course, i was bothered.

instead of giving myself little doses of cure, i went straight for the kill. i didn’t want to sulk around over the memories of pain as others would do, hoping that someday it would just go away. my heart is too stubborn for that. it would have only made me an angry loser.

i decided to erase all memories of pain and set myself free. a liberating experience, if you ask me. now, all that’s left are the memories of happier times. smiles and laughter. the thought that at some point in my life, i loved deeply and madly. i now see the world through a brand-new heart.

but in the loneliness of the night, i sometimes feel my heart growing back the keloid.

slowly. little by little…

wishlist for myself

2006-04-17T16:51:00.000+08:00

10 things to do for the summer:
1. find myself
2. get to know my family better
3. intern for the RTC
4. write (hopefully, i can do this everyday)
5. avoid romantic entanglements (for the summer lang)
6. exercise
7. take lots of photos
8. go to lake balinsasayao/apo island/forrest camp
9. practice driving a stick shift
10. laugh, sing, dance...

home is where the heart is

2006-04-17T15:14:00.000+08:00

i spent most of my life in dumaguete. beautiful!

met the most wonderful people. learned how to become responsible. learned how to become reckless. now, i am a work in progress. a happy mix of the good and the bad.

i was born to achieve great things. but my heart finds happiness in the most simple things in life.

a sucker for experience. a lover of life. i wouldn't say NO to a possibly hurting experience. not because i don't give a damn. not because i don't care if i feel pain. but because i know that despite the hurt and the tears, i will come out a stronger person.

my only regret is, i wasn't able to watch enough movies and read enough books. that's what you get for living in a place without movie houses and bookstores.

but the endless hours spent in cafe memento, or under the shade of a random acacia tree, or beneath the stars of the dumaguete sky, has taught me my share of trinkets of wisdom. this i wouldn't exchange for any other life experience.

indulgence

2006-04-16T21:09:00.000+08:00

last night, i accepted God once again as my Lord and Saviour. i was rebaptized in the Catholic faith. that was at 9 in the evening.

by 10, i was out "celebrating" with 2 high school classmates and some friends. i was back to my old usual self--drinking beer, smoking, and dancing the dance of the devil. rowie, pillar, and i were enjoying ourselves a bit too much: picture three girls pretending to be seductive, grinding and gyrating the night in a non-dancing bar. tsk tsk tsk.

by 1 in the morning, we were in a videoke place. the drinking and the dancing continued. the alcohol started to take over my body. i was losing control of my cerebral functions.

by 3 am, we called it a night. but i transformed into a temptress to a friend. hmmmm... the rest of the night (err... morning) is just a blurry memory to me.

bakit nga ba masarap ang bawal?

just a few moments after i publicly renounced sin and satan with my fellow churchgoers, i was embracing sin again. and my conscience hasn't stopped bugging me since.

a time for everything

2006-04-14T13:08:00.000+08:00

the irony of time has never ceased to amaze me. supposedly, time is a constant thing. 365 days make a year. 24 hours make a day. 60 minutes make an hour. 60 seconds make a minute.

yet, there are moments when you feel like time is moving too fast. there's just not enough time to do everything you want. to cherish the company you keep. to explore the intricacies of human relationships. you want to make time stop, so you can remain in that moment and not ever have to move on.

and then there are moments when you wish your life had a fast-forward button. the hours seem to drag on to forever, and you wonder, when am i going to start living "the life" for myself?

coming home to dumaguete was something i had always wanted to do. while struggling with my battles in law school, there was no day that i didn't wish time would just speed up three notches higher so i could just go home. i was growing very tired of law school and i just wanted the ordeal to end.

and now i am home, i have too much time in my hands with nothing much to do. it's only been five days, and i'm starting to miss my blocmates, and even my rules of court codal.

i still have 2 months to burn before i go back to manila. how i intend to spend it, i honestly don't know. but i have my family to keep me company, and a few friends to drink beer with. maybe, that should be enough for now. i should be thankful for moments like these, when i get to be as unproductive as the next bum, and i get to do mindless things i used to always wish i had time to do.

i remember something my good friend nick once told me. i was in a sad mood that day, in the throes of my depression. he was trying to explain astrophysics to me. the theory is that throughout the life of our planet, the days have actually become longer. and then he said, "always remember, tomorrow is longer than today."