sex & the city

lately, i've been having too much of carrie bradshaw and mr big and the entire manhattan scene straight off my pc. yes, i've been doing a marathon of my all-time favorite series since the day i arrived home. and i've finished an unimaginably gross amount of chocolate cake in the process (not really part of the plan, but hey, i'm starved!).

surprisingly though, so much of the content of sex & the city is something i can relate to. take for example:


1.) compartmentalized lives

yes, i owe up to it now. i do tend to compartmentalize my life. i have a compartment for family, another for law school and friends, another for my crazy dumaguete life (or what once was), another for my past, and another for my dirty nasty secrets. not one person in this wide universe knows about all of these, except myself.

perhaps because i am a different person in these different compartments...

perhaps because i am too scared to allow people to judge me for who i'm not when i'm with them...

perhaps because i am just not brave enough to let my past decide my present and my future...

i'm sorry for not letting you in on everything that i really am.


2.) cheating

i have been cheated on. and depending on your definition of cheating, i MIGHT have done my own share of cheating (which, by my definition of cheating, just does not make the cut. SORRY). but the worst part of all these, is that i have been a third party to cheating (call it the principal by indispensable cooperation, or simply, the other woman), without as much a guilty bone in my body.

i can see you shaking you're head right now. i know. i do realize it is wrong. and i'm sorry for that. but i just can't get myself to feel guilty at all. knowing i'm wrong and feeling guilty about it are two different things.


3.) the intimidating woman

i'm not! just because i have this impeccable scholastic record, am a 3rd year law student at the best law school in the country, and will probably be kick-ass successful in my career (oh plus the fact that i can generally outdrink more than less of the men i know) should not intimidate any self-respecting man. or should it?

erase all that and "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" and all that crap.

i may be mildly mean, and sometimes cold, but once you really get to know me, you'd discover that i CAN be really sweet and thoughtful and maternal and yes, prone to tears when weak.


4.) validation

egos, especially naturally big ones, are easily bruised. i'm not saying that i have a big ego, but that i constantly need validation.

for one, this blog is a form of validation on my part.

my coming home is always a form of validation.

come to think of it, being in law school is also a validation.

everything i do, in one aspect or another, is a means for me to validate myself.

you must think i am a very insecure person... well, i don't know...


5.) faking it

people (not necessarily women) fake it (not necessarily in bed) for a variety of reasons.

i'm a faker when i need to be. i fake may things--emotions, stories, even school papers--out of necessity. most of the time, it's just to avoid needless trouble and hurt feelings. a white lie is what i call it. as they say, what momma don't know won't hurt her.

truth be told, my honesty might kill you... or me...


6.) love and friendship

i love my friends. to a fault at times...

'nuff said. if you're my friend, you'll know what i mean.


7.) change

it is difficult, if not impossible, to change someone. acceptance is part of loving.

but changing oneself for the better is the ultimate sacrifice. enough of the compartmentalized life, of the cheating, of the ego, of the lies. this i will attempt to do.

for myself...

for my family...

for my friends...

for everyone i care about...

for you...

Rebirth

I’m home, staring at the monitor screen, with so many things on my mind I want to write about, but not knowing where to begin.
Let me share with you the things that happened to me since the last time I posted. But before I do that, I will have to unclutter my head tonight by getting lost through the streets of Dumaguete and finding myself again...

it's about time

FINALLY!!! i got drunk in manila. first time since i got here a month ago. yey!!!

playing life by the rules of poker

we wear our masks to hide who we really are and how we really feel. at times, we shed off our masks only to reveal yet another mask underneath. possibly, even the person behind the mask does not realize the extent of the layers of masks hiding the honest expression.

while the eyes are said to be the windows to the soul and is that part of us that cannot be masked, yet we tend to condition them to tell lies. by such constant bluffing, the line that separates the truth from the alternate realities we create becomes blurred. soon, the liar believes his/her own lies and the eyes would speak as if it were speaking only the truth.

we hide because we are scared. we are scared of being hurt, of rejection, of embarrassment, of ridicule. we are scared of the possibility that who we are may not measure up to who we want to be. but mostly, we are scared of ourselves—because that self, when unleashed and allowed to take control, could very easily destroy the relationships we have painstakingly built over time, the achievements we have worked so hard for, and the dreams we have nurtured and kept in our hearts.

revealing one’s true self might be a liberating experience. the joy of being loved for who you are is its greatest reward. but the stakes are high. are we willing to risk everything we have for that chance of sweet and lasting abandon? do we have that courage to say, “i’m all in?”

this girl behind the mask will, for this round anyway, just have to fold…

you're invited :-)

new address: ipil residence hall

the urban legends of dorm life. the promiscuous roommate. the less-than-luxurious toilets and baths. the strict dorm manager. ok, i am trying to convince myself that i will enjoy life at the dorm. except for the six months i spent in a dorm along espania managed by nuns, i have never really been a dormer. well, there's always a first time. NOW!

a few things i like about my new dorm--IPIL:
1.) no curfew -- if you know me enough, you'll know why having a curfew can wreak havoc to my emotional well-being
2.) its 2 blocks away from law school -- i can leave for class five minutes before the time and i'd still come on time; i can go back to my bed and take naps in between classes; i can save my transpo money and use it for other things, i.e. beer (hehehe)
3.) its insultingly cheap -- ok, i'm paying P350 per month... now i'm gloating... :-)
4.) it coed -- testosterone keeps me sane, need i say more?
5.) smoking is legal -- yes, i can smoke inside the dorm and no one will mind.

i hope things go well with the dorm experience. wish me luck!

law school blues

its the second week of law school. i am in the library with so many things to read. and what do i do? i log on to the internet and read other people's blogs, check my friendster and sillimanians.com accounts, and check my mail. and then i decide that i still have time for a post. yeah right!?!? who am i kidding?

from the computer room of the library, i can see law students and bar reviewees with their heads burried in their books. i refuse to do the same. the procrastinator in me tells me that i still have time to read... maybe later... maybe tomorrow... maybe just before my class... i seem to forget that my nego prof called on me for recitation last meeting, and before i knew it, i was back on my seat with a SINGKO in my recit card. nevermind the fact that i studied for that class. so, i might as well not study..

i am creating this post not because i feel the urge to write. No Sir! i just need something else to do...

now, what else can i do? hmmm... i think i'll take a yosi break... see yah!